Category Archives: Opinion/Editorial

Ok. I messed up. For those of you that regularly read this column, last week’s quote would have been a really good one if I’d actually gotten it right. I was lamenting the decline in quality peer-review only to find out through an unsolicited peer-review of my column that I had misquoted the statement. What the astute AASV member actually said was, “Apparently, it doesn’t have to be sound science any more, it just has to sound like science.” Oh well, maybe you had to be there. I’m considering submitting future Doc Tales to a panel of comedic writers for peer-review prior to publication.

The following statement was recently overheard during a discussion lamenting the current state of the peer-review process for “scientific” publications: “Apparently, it doesn’t have to be sound science any more, it just has to look like science.”

I recently attended a meeting to discuss on-farm foodborne illness investigations. During the discussions regarding the differences between animal health and human health officials, a participant in the room summed it by saying, “It will be hard to make CDC understand that chickens aren’t broccoli!”

The most interesting and informative conversations at any meeting occur in the hallway. We all know that. It’s also a great time to catch up with old friends you haven’t seen in a while and find out what inspirational things their kids are doing. At Leman this week, I asked just such an old friend what her daughter was doing with her life and come to find out she is going into public health. I said what a great, caring profession that was to which my friend responds, “that girl loves STDs. She just can’t get enough!”

Recently, one of our esteemed research members offered up the following hypothesis: “Marrying rich is the solution to financial distress.” Intrigued by this, and always looking for the next good practice tip, I inquired as to his Materials and Methods and requested he explain his proposed control. In response, he took it upon himself to conduct a quick metadata analysis and drew the following conclusion: “Although the hypothesis is straightforward, i.e., marrying rich is the solution to financial distress, the methods are quite varied. At one end of the methodology spectrum is the hit-a-homerun-the-first-time 1, and on the other end is try-try-again 2. Results indicate that neither method is foolproof. In fact, there is a high confidence level (>95%) that the entire spectrum of such marrying for money methods are invalid and do not support the hypothesis. Thus, hypothesis is invalid. 1Marriage of Nicole Smith to J. Howard Marshall. 2Marriage of Elizabeth Taylor to et al. Since I must reject the original hypothesis, I have diligently generated a second one – The solution to financial distress is not buying enough lottery tickets. I consulted with my wife of 38 years for fiscal advice. She told me to “quit goofing off, and don’t quit my day job.” In addition to that wisdom, it seems my research funding is being pulled and I will not be able to test the second hypothesis.” Although he failed to prove his hypothesis, it does appear to me that, after 38 years of middle-class wedded bliss, he has plenty of empirical evidence that money ain’t what buys happiness.

A colleague of ours recently recounted the challenges of veterinary medicine, living on a farm and motherhood. She summed up her typical Monday morning by saying, “I recently left the house for work one day and there was a chicken in my car!” Well, even though we may never know WHY the chicken crossed the road, at least now we know HOW.

Some of the funniest things happen when irate people interact with disinterested “authority” figures. Following an announcement that her flight was delayed for yet the fourth time, I overheard a female passenger yell at a gate agent, “the swallows’ return to Capistrano is more reliable then you are!!” To which the non-plussed gate agent responded calmly, “well ma’am, I don’t know who the Swallows are but you might want to find out which airline they fly.” I can’t tell you what the passenger then said because most servers would block the e-Letter.

Overheard at the National Pork Board Swine Health Committee meeting: “I don’t know about you all, but I don’t like standing around the farrowing room getting hit in the face with a testicle!”

Two AASV members were recently overheard extolling the virtues of exercise. One noted, “It’s not exercise until your nose bleeds, you get a headache and it shows up on social media!” It should be noted that, at the time of this discussion, they were standing in line to board a gondola for a ride to the top of the mountain rather than hiking up.

A colleague recently shared the following profound statement from one of our esteemed veterinary diagnosticians referencing the importance of conducting a necropsy: “A dead sow is a gift, you should open it.”