Category Archives: Opinion/Editorial

I recently had a series of meetings back to back which required a string of stays in multiple hotels in a variety of cities. On about the third meeting, I checked into the hotel and went up to the room. After I unpacked my bags, I went to the local Chinese restaurant and picked up a take-out order. Upon returning to the hotel, I went up to my room, dug my key out of my pocket and attempted to unlock the door. The key wouldn’t work. I tried it again but to no avail. Frustrated, I lugged my food back down to the front desk. I told the night clerk my name and handed her my key explaining that I was locked out of room 317. After entering my information into her computer, she looked up at me and said, “well first of all, you’re in room 319 not 317 and, secondly, this is a Radisson key and you’re at the Hampton Inn.”

One of our colleagues recently relayed the following Christmas story to me, which I thought was really typical for kids of food animal parents. It involves her 3 year-old son. Two of his favorite things are animals and big trucks. So, he was really excited when Santa brought him a toy farm including cows and horses and a big garbage truck complete with a dumpster bin and a motorized lift. Mom says, “we had to laugh when he started using the garbage truck as a rendering truck by putting the cows and horses in the dumpster and then dumping them in the truck. He also likes to feed the cows to his 2 ½ foot tall T-rex dinosaur, which he’s named Vikki.”

I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday and got to spend some quality time with family and friends. Like many others, I found myself on a plane recently with folks traveling to Christmas destinations and I’d like to recount an experience I had during one of those flights. I’m just getting settled into my seat in row 3, when I hear the flight attendant greet a little girl who’s just come on the plane. The girl, whose name we learn is Beth, is 6 years old. How do I know that? Because, she tells us. The flight attendant says, “Well hello there! Aren’t you cute?” Beth says, “Thank you. Yes, I am. My name is Beth and I’m 6 years old.” “Me, my mom, Dana, and my little brother Dennis are going to Grandma’s for Christmas.” The flight attendant smiled and replied, “Well that’s great, Beth. Where are you from?” “We live at 123 Elm St in Greensboro,” Beth replies. “Grandma is picking us up at the airport and we’re going to stay with her and my Grandfather,” Beth continues as the flight attendant tries to ascertain where exactly her mother might be. Beth reassures the flight attendant that her mother is right behind her with Dennis. “Dennis doesn’t say much,” Beth interjects. “Grandma says it’s because he can’t get a word in edgewise.” At which point, she launches into a fairly extensive list of what little Beth and Dennis each requested from Santa for Christmas, and then begins to sing Jingle Bells. As the first 6 rows are now laughing uncontrollably, anticipating what Beth will say next, a surprisingly calm woman carrying a small boy approximately 4 years of age (I won’t attempt to guess the woman’s age) we assume are Dana and Dennis appears in the entranceway. The entire front of the plane spontaneously and without orchestration greets the newcomers saying, “Hey Dana!” to which Dana says, “Yes, I know. You know I’m Dana, this is Dennis and that’s Beth.” “I’m sure you also know where we live and where we’re going,” she continues. Dana gets Beth reoriented and she begins to move down the aisle way pausing to say hello and Merry Christmas at every row. During this entire encounter, Dennis never said a word.If you had a humorous holiday story you’d like to relate, please send it along (snelson@aasv.org) and it might appear in a future Doc Tales.

Ok. Last week’s Doc Tales garnered BY FAR the most responses I have ever received to any article in e-Letter. Not sure what that says except that we are a passionate group regarding proper brat etiquette. I feel compelled to report that the vast majority of respondents agreed with my utterance regarding ketchup on a brat. Some even went so far as to respond in all caps. Both genders were equally represented and the respondents ran the gamut of our profession including practitioners, nutritionists, academicians and allied industry representatives. Now, to be fair, there was a minority of you out there that were equally as adamant (although perhaps not quite as fervent) that ketchup had a place at the grill next to the kraut. I respect your opinion and appreciate your willingness to stand up for what you believe. I should mention, however, that one ketchup lover, who actually responded anonymously, tried to deflect the conversation by insisting that it should be called “catsup” instead of “ketchup.” I’m not falling for it. While you ‘mater mashers out there are entitled to your opinion, I’m sticking with my hero and namesake Dirty Harry when he said, “Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, puts ketchup on a hotdog!”

Normally I try to make Doc Tales an uplifting middle-of-the-week pick me up. But, this week something so offensive and shocking came to my attention that I just feel compelled to use this forum to express my dismay with one of our renowned and influential colleagues. During a serious culinary discussion, this person blurted out that they like ketchup on their brat! Now, usually I’m a live and let live kind of guy but I didn’t realize that our society could condone such blasphemy. And, coming from a native Midwesterner none the less. Now granted, this person does spend a lot of their time these days in some pretty hoydie-toydie kinds of towns where they know a lot about brats but obviously very little about Brats. I’m sure you all will agree with me that brats (grilled of course, not boiled) deserve to be adorned with nothing more than a nice mustard, some warm sauerkraut and onions. Ok, if you’re entertaining perhaps put out a little sweet relish. But, otherwise it’s just a nice big Kaiser bun and a beer. Am I right? Let me know and help me move this person from worst to wurst.

The following was overheard at a recent emergency response meeting with USDA. After giving an impassioned speech decrying the prolonged movement of cull sows through the slaughter channels, a prominent swine veterinarian lamented, “Sausage. Cull sows are used to make delicious sausage. Who doesn’t love sausage?? I love sausage! Get on with it!”

Given that it is a holiday week, I slacked off and borrowed the following Thanksgiving Day quote from Jay Leno: “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” Enjoy the holiday!

Dr. Paul Armbrecht’s father recently celebrated his 99th birthday in his normal fashion – by soundly beating Paul at cribbage! Repeatedly. In the process, he also attempted to bestow some hard-learned words of wisdom which Paul kindly agreed to share with me (and now all of you). Following are some pearls gleaned over nearly a century of life. Paul, if I had to guess, the results of the centennial cribbage match are already sealed. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. Words that soak into your ears are whispered……not yelled!! Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway!! Don’t judge people by their relatives. The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’!!

Upon seeing the following headline, “Waddell falls down 100-foot mine shaft, kills 3 rattlesnakes, survives 2 days before rescue,” I immediately contacted Dr. John Waddell to express my relief that he had survived such a horrible ordeal. John, however, assured me that he was not the John Waddell mentioned in the article noting that even near starvation, dehydrated and with multiple broken bones, once he saw the 3 rattlesnakes, he would have had no trouble scaling a 100 foot mine shaft!

During the recent AASV Board of Directors meeting, the topic of obituaries came up. I told Sue that when I die I’d like her to list my passing in e-Letter’s People on the Move to which Tom Burkgren spoke up and asked if I knew what my new address would be!